13. Personalizing Spawns Jealousy, Envy and Hate
Toxic belief #2, that you must surpass others in at least one area to be worthwhile, is also fueled by personalizing. Consider sibling rivalry or even the power struggles within a community. It seems to be wired-in for humans to feel threatened when someone in their own group exceeds their accomplishments. Even though they can usually accept that someone elsewhere in the world might exceed their expertise, they can really hate and envy someone nearby who does it. This suggests that in our distant past it was life-threatening if someone in our community performed better at something which we did well. Maybe in those times there were life-or-death consequences for the loser. In war and work situations today, losing our position can still be devastating if not deadly.
Toxic Belief #2 causes envy and jealousy and reduces people’s ability to cooperate in their endeavors. I doubt you can ever stop feeling a twinge of this at times because it’s probably wired-in. To revise it your Adult needs to step back from the situation and stop taking any of it personally. Instead, it needs to guide your Parent parts to recognize that for most people today, it’s not necessary to outperform others. If someone else gets the job or recognition you’d hoped and worked for, you have other groups you can join and/or many other ways you can contribute.
Toxic Belief #7 that it’s unbearable when you work hard for something and you don’t get it, often accompanies Belief #2 when you personalize what happens. For this my Wise Parent has adopted the phrase, Reality is least painful when you face it quickly. It’s a well-known fact that many situations reward very few of those who work hard to contribute, whether it’s business, sports, entertainment or the arts. It’s also true that often people who don’t seem to deserve the prize get it. We can choose not to take any of this personally; in reality, most often it’s our lot as human beings not to accomplish all we attempt, sooner or later, no matter what we do.
From the start it’s wise for your Adult to help balance Parent expectations and develop achievable goals. You should never “put all your eggs in one basket.” You always need Plans B, C and D. It’s usually a waste of energy and brings you no peace if you hate and treat badly those who make the decisions or those who win that coveted opportunity, even when they cheat. Instead ask yourself, “What do I actually need to have a satisfying life? Keep measuring your goals against that and remain flexible, as you develop the alternate plans that can lead to the best life for you and those you love. Your Adult can revise both Beliefs #2 and #7 this way: I’m a unique and valuable person. Only I can know and take charge of deciding what will allow me to express the best that I have to offer and enjoy my life.
Personalizing also drives human behavior in many other kinds of situations. People who have special emotional challenges, like paranoia, social anxiety, depression and unresolved trauma have to work harder to keep from engaging in this. Their Adult must be much more vigilant to recognize when personalizing starts and have ready some powerful reminder phrases to keep shutting it down. First they should consider that maybe the offensive behavior didn’t have much to do with them.
This gives their Adult emotional space to tackle their Parents’ intense resistance to any change in the protective system of toxic beliefs that they’ve created. This Parental rigidity occurs when people’s minds are either wired or damaged-by-experience to have an extremely vulnerable Child. When your Child doesn’t feel basically safe, it needs more reassurance and protection to keep out of fight-or-flight responses. In a vicious circle, the more it experiences fight-or-flight, the less safe it feels, and the more inappropriate “protective” toxic beliefs your Parents will press on you.
To reassure your Child, your Adult must prevent Parental triggering, but this gets more difficult the longer the pattern has gone on. Getting support from a counselor individually and then often in a group can help break these patterns and sustain your revised beliefs. Medication can be helpful and not lead to addiction, if it’s administered appropriately by a doctor who respects the value of psychotherapy and a client’s own wish to regain control. The social impact when whole groups join together to embrace personalization and the toxic beliefs it supports will be discussed in future posts.