I just know where she’s coming from…
Here’s another example of how being wired differently from others can affect you journey toward mental fitness. Elaine Aron observed that HSPs tend to “take things way too personally.” After working with hundreds of HSP clients (and myself) I can certainly vouch for what she says. Personalizing plagues most HSPs, requiring us to work hard not to jump into fight-or-flight so easily when we interact with others. We may assume that we can quickly and easily walk in another person’s sandals.
Since, according to Aron, about 20% of people have this trait, many of you who are following my blog will benefit from her video, Sensitivity. Aron describes some of the positive aspects of the HSP trait in her discussion, along with the problems we have and emphasizes that the world needs HSP’s compassion and concern for justice. She hopes that her video, Sensitive, will help HSPs overcome enough of our natural anxiety to allow us to endure social stress and contribute what we do have to offer. She hopes this video will help you eighty percenters to understand and support us as we work at this.
As with others whose brains are noticeably atypical, HSPs have to work harder throughout their lives to function well, especially socially. Attention to detail (even perfectionism) and being conscientious are HSP assets as well as liabilities, when our overactive Critical Parents step in with Beliefs #1 and #3. My HSP clients were usually very diligent about learning and using the FORMULA, which helped them engage better socially. I’ve found it helps HSPs to accept that others who seem less conscientious aren’t driven to perform well by anxiety like HSPs are wired to be. They usually aren’t slacking off to take advantage of an HSP or to frustrate her, as personalizing would have some HSPs believe.
You 80% who aren’t HSPs can relate to personalizing, since it’s probably wired into all of us. You may not be able to understand why HSPs get more intense about it and can’t let go of our Toxic Beliefs as easily as many of you can. Imagine how this excess reactivity could make common interactions worse for HSPs. One case might be where the other person’s intent is unclear. For example, your neighbor asks you once again to water her plants, but doesn’t offer to water yours. You take offense, “what am I, chopped liver?” If you assume he’s using you and get hurt or angry, you may be personalizing. You should then revise Belief #1, that you must have another person’s approval or respect, to calm yourself.
Then as soon as possible, it’s best to visit with her, and try to listen well, to learn how things are going with her. After that your Adult can decide whether just to ask for her to water your plants too,or find someone else, rather than letting your Critical Parent blame her(toxic belief #3) for not thinking about you enough. For an HSP, calming the quick fight-or-flight response to feeling disrespected or rejected, and avoiding an instant trip into blaming the other person can be harder.
Since going over to talk about it is fraught with anxiety, most HSPs will have more resistance to doing it. If An HSP does go over, he’ll struggle to set aside his hurt and anger and have trouble remaining open and positive with his neighbor. Later, whether he talks with her or not, an HSP is likely to review the situation many times before he can calm his fight-or-flight reactions. When the HSP doesn’t resolve it with his neighbor, he’s likely to carry anxiety and distrust toward her for a long time.
Another example is when someone is clearly rude, insulting and hostile toward you. Your Child might ask, “why shouldn’t I take that personally, she’s clearly going after me?” Before your Adult agrees to fight-or-flight, there’s a lot to consider. Does this person even know you very well? What possible brain issues does she have that have nothing to do with you (fatigue, being over-whelmed, weak capacity for empathy, alcohol, toxic beliefs)? How much energy do you want to spend in response, and would it make any difference? Once you ask these, your Adult will have the information for a good choice.
For an HSP this process will often be interrupted by an intense and body-involving sense of hurt, anger or fear in response to the person’s rude treatment, which he may assume has been intended to hurt him. His Wise Parent-Adult team needs to suggest why the rude person’s behavior that was directed at him may not have been primarily in response to him. But his Adult may have to work so hard to reduce his fight-or-flight reactions that it never has the chance to prevent him from full-blown embrace of Belief #3.
If you’re not an HSP or you’re an HSP who’s practiced coping better in these situations, chances are, you’ll decide simply to distance yourself without drawing more anger from your attacker, perhaps by saying “I’m sorry you’re so upset” or making an excuse to leave. This choice allows you to avoid fight-or-flight and the body trauma it creates. If you feel you must “set her straight,” your confused Parent-Child combo is probably overwhelming your Adult by personalizing. This choice would be like cutting back in on a driver who cut in front of you, with potentially traumatizing consequences. The Wise Parent phrase somebody has a problem here, but it’s not me could help your Adult stay in charge as it works on practicing the FORMULA to keep you calm.
Future posts will address how trauma contributes to making instant and intense fight-or-flight happen more often for both HSPs and non-HSPs. Research (see Elaine Aron’s hsperson.com website) has shown that HSPs are generally more vulnerable to childhood abuse and war trauma than non-HSPs. Those who have other brain challenges often struggle to keep their Adults in charge as well. If you have any of these it helps to discover just how they may interfere as you pursue mental fitness. Often you can learn work-arounds and help those who value you to relate with more understanding. Claim Your Own Mental Fitness, Part Two, Chapter One offers brief discussion of many of these with references to additional information about them.