This little stone family invites you to take a big leap into wiser Adult coping. You can’t guess what these rock people’s brains might be like, can you? How would you cope with a co-worker who looked like these one-eyed stones? You could suspend a few toxic beliefs for a while. Would you get upset if he didn’t approve of something you did? Would you compare your performance to his? Would you blame him or yourself if you had communication or cooperation problems?
Many toxic beliefs assume that we humans all share similar capabilities. Improved brain imaging techniques are revealing how different human brains actually can be. It’s your Adult’s job to read situations accurately, taking brain differences into account, as you interact with others. How might your own brain differ in some ways that make it harder or easier for your Adult? Everyone’s Adult must manage toxic beliefs, Child ranting and archaic brain habits like black-and-white thinking to reduce fight-or-flight reactions. But for many people it’s more difficult, or even impossible for them to do all this reliably.
These people are wired to have more overwhelming fight-or-flight challenges. If you’re in this group you may react more intensely and quickly than most people. You may have more trouble getting your Adult to focus or observe your inner being. You may not be able to interpret what’s happening in a situation. You may not be able to remember what others say or what you’ve just read. You may not be able to guess from another person’s body language and tone of voice how they’re feeling. These problems interfere with Adult self-management, no matter how hard a person tries to master mental fitness skills. Your Adult needs to recognize this to keep you out of frequent, defensive fight-or-flight. It must also realize that others may need compassion when their behavior is difficult. They may be doing the best that they can.
People don’t have to look like one-eyed stones to deserve a thoughtful, Adult approach. Belief #3, that people (including you) who don’t meet a set standard should be blamed or punished, is not helpful for this. An ADHD child who disrupts a classroom requires extra guidance and perhaps medication. Criticizing his parents and punishing him just arouses their fight-or-flight reactions, which interfere with their Adult problem-solving abilities. When we’re angry with others, our own Adult abilities suffer as well. Whether it’s a boss who feels compelled to micro-manage her team or an engineer who irritates those around him with his lack of sensitivity, Adult problem-solving is required for solutions. Blaming people who can’t regulate themselves is understandable, but managing them to protect others and the productivity of a group is more humane and helpful.
Part II, Chapter 1 of my book offers an overview of the most common brain differences that make it harder to keep your Adult in charge, along with references for further study. These differences include Elaine Aron’s Highly Sensitive Person trait, described with a self-test at her website, www.hsperson.com, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), including associated hyperactivity and learning disabilities, Borderline, Schizoid, Anti-social and related personality disorders, Bipolar Disorder and autism spectrum disorders. Future posts will discuss examples of how some of these operate to make fight-or-flight harder to manage.