If you see what’s wrong and you try to make it right, you will be a point of light! Randy Travis
Grief has much more impact on us than we realize. We can recognize many things that make us sad: the loss of a pet, of a child, a job, a spouse or parent, our hearing or mobility, a relationship, financial well-being, etc. Any of these can cast us into deeply felt grief and even trauma. But in modern times we’re also aware of terrible suffering all around the world that can overwhelm us. How do you resolve this grief that can render you helpless? How do you keep from being so overwhelmed that you withdraw and avoid any but your closest friends and family? How do you avoid “compassion fatigue? Mrs. Fixit will try to help your Adult transform your grief by breaking this process into bite-sized pieces.
Focus inward with your Adult. Ask what you love to do. What are you pretty good or even expert at doing? Consider what skills or knowledge you’ve developed that you could share with others, like musical proficiency, computer skills, patience with children or impaired adults, skills for organization, counseling, cooking, building, leading, mentoring, nurturing, etc. Ask your friends to help you identify your strengths. Encourage them to share as well. You might even discover a friend who’d be able and willing to join you in some venture. Consider your weak points too; they help focus your search. Contemplate how your skills and passions might mesh. When these come together you can expect to have satisfaction, joy and the respect of others as you pursue your bliss.
Next, have your Adult look outward to discover opportunities in your community or online for you to participate as you’d like. If you love to read, you could start a book club, volunteer at your local library or literacy programs, read to children at your local school, older adults with impaired sight, or children in a local hospital. You might find some activities that inspire you to engage in them long-term. If you enjoy leadership, you could find ways to help extend the programs you love and guide or train others. If you have artistic or musical skills, there might be opportunities to share these. You can decide from the beginning what you most want to offer to others and look for activities that will allow you to share some of these.
It’s valuable to be aware of how you’re processing your grief, but it’s not helpful to do it for hours a day. Focusing on others who need what you can offer may be the most universal way humans can distract themselves from their grief and get a new perspective. You might need to start with small steps into a new group or activity and find your way gradually. Grief can soak up a lot of your energy. But as you get familiar with the people and learn the ropes in the new setting you may find yourself interested and moved by those you help. Most of the people who help you get started and serve with you will welcome you. Some will become friends as you discover other things you have in common. A few will lack the mental fitness to avoid feeling threatened, but when you volunteer you don’t have to stay, if this persists. You can never escape the impact of raw human nature!
Whether you’re healing from a painful loss or not, volunteering is probably the easiest way to join others. It’s especially helpful if social anxiety has been a barrier for you. You’ll be busy doing specific things and won’t have to create conversation from scratch. When you discover how you are able to help others, the helpless feelings of grief are blunted. You’ll have more energy and confidence as you participate.
There will be more things to grieve as you venture out instead of trying to hide from pain in your own world. As you share your feelings with newfound friends your sadness can move into some kind of acceptance. You’ll realize that you can only be one point of light but when you share it you’ll inspire others to keep their own burning. In my Mrs. Fixit mode I transform my grief over past, present and future concerns even as I write this post. It feels wonderful to share what I’ve learned, often the hard way, to help others suffer less. It’s healing to think that I might help some of my readers become points of light themselves. My Wise Parent says, you can’t improve anything if you let yourself get stuck in grief and despair.