by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
One day I decided that I should sort out for myself and my readers just how the FORMULA and the Adult-Parent-Child systems inter-connect and relate to Mental Fitness issues. I created the “Scaffold” here to capture this for us. In previous posts I’ve illustrated how these systems can combine by describing how I used them to combat fight-or-flight reactions in a few situations. Following the list of 12 Toxic Beliefs in the website discussion of the FORMULA, I noted that usually the first half of the beliefs belong to the Critical Parent and the next, to the Indulgent Parent. Then in Post #2 I admitted that I often think of myself as “we” instead of “I.”
In the scaffold drawing you can see arrows between the Adult-Parent-Child parts denoting how they influence each other. For you who like to have things sorted this way, I hope the scaffold helps. The entire scaffold will be more relevant in future posts. For now it might give you an overview for reference. For those who prefer a more intuitive approach, let me describe how I came to see my mind as multiple parts and why I find it helpful to divide it this way.
After my divorce in the 1970s I had to fend off waves of anxiety and dread that threatened to overwhelm me. I discovered that if my Adult could separate itself from my warring and confused Child and Parent parts, I could get my feet back on the ground. My own take on Eric Berne’s avatars (see ….) allowed me to function as a parent and graduate student despite frequent severe insomnia and panic attacks.
The fact that I could recognize and correct my toxic beliefs on my own was very reassuring and stabilizing. When negative feelings threatened to take over, I decided to use the reminder phrase, “Divide and conquer” to shove them aside. This gave my Adult the space to start sorting them out. My experiences as a mother, babysitter and teacher gave me a short-cut for how to comfort and reassure my own inner frightened or angry Child.
To sort out my Parent parts, I related each parent to half the beliefs and created reminder phrases for my Adult to use when they were too disruptive. “Stop exaggerating; none of this will kill us!” for my Critical Parent and “You’re just setting us up for future grief and we (Adult & Child) know it!” for my Indulgent Parent. These phrases respond to the basic message expressed through each Parent’s beliefs. They provided the space for my Adult to step in and revise any specific Child Brain Habits or Toxic Beliefs involved. “Divide and conquer!” worked so well that I’ve used it ever since.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
All it takes is a point of light, a ray of hope in the darkest night… Randy Travis
Do you ever have moments when you get what seems like a great idea, but later you reconsider and decide you’d be crazy to try to do that? Here I am to show you what crazy looks like! I put this costume together when my son was six and we were going to a Halloween costume party. I sewed him the clown costume he wanted and designed my Mrs. Fixit trappings to express the longing I had to find full-time work as a therapist. Here’s how Mrs. Fixit lights her candle and keeps it burning.
In 1976 had my Ph.D., but lacked the confidence to pursue a therapist job during the mental health climate of the time. So I did part-time jobs that grew me in new ways. The most powerful was two years of marketing the Dale Carnegie Course. I was never very good at it, but I got over my HSP self-consciousness. Every day I’d cold-call on companies in the northwest Chicago area until about 3:00 pm, when the pain in my gut from fear made me go home to lie on the couch and regroup. Gradually, I realized that I shouldn’t take other people’s reactions to me personally and my gut became more comfortable for life. My favorite saying that our boss, Jim Bowen, gave us for this fear was “Nobody ever kicks a dead dog.” This helped me learn how to keep my candle burning indefinitely.
How do you decide when a “great” idea is great enough to pursue? Research to discover what else has been done in the field. Has your idea already been done; what came of it? Why? Maybe it wasn’t very well done, or you could do it in a different way to good effect. Or you might choose a different great idea to pursue. Get the training necessary for developing your idea. Finally, as Napoleon Hill advised in his book, The Master-Key to Riches, find a like-minded group to support you along the way.
If you’re confused about which direction you should take, because you have ideas in several areas, check out Pt. II Chapter 7 of my book, where there’s an exercise to help you set short- and long-term goals in key areas. Review your life to consider what you’ve loved doing and where you excel, then talk with trusted friends and mentors about what they think might be most fruitful for your to explore. Try some smaller, related projects to see how they work for you. You’ll likely discover personal limitations that prevent you from pursuing some ideas. Your Wise Parent should be assuring your Child that you have all the talents you need to live a rich and meaningful life. If it’s not doing that well enough, it’s time to review Part I of Claim Your Own Mental Fitness to learn how your Adult can transform some unexamined Toxic Beliefs (especially toxic Belief #2) into Wise-Parent guidance.
Elaine Aron (hsperson.com) has developed a video, Sensitive, about HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons or those with sensory processing sensitivity) to help them find the confidence and acceptance they need to bring their talents into a world that tends to overwhelm them and snuff out their candles. As an HSP I’m grateful for her work, but I know that many non-HSP’s also get discouraged. Too many distractions of daily living pull us away from our goals. There are too many people with unresolved grief and anger who want to crush anyone who expresses enthusiasm and confidence. I guess it makes them feel better about their own dead candles, but all they’d have to do to reignite them is build up their own Wise Parents.
Remember it’s good to be a living dog and embrace life with energy and a sense of purpose. Celebrate where you are on your journey with a costume, picture or symbol that expresses where you are and keep your candle burning.
