by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
How could these two possibly come together? The struggle in your mind that prevents mental fitness consists of clashing brain elements. To bring them into harmony you have to know what they are and how to manage them. Here’s where pineapple upside-down cake comes in.
It’s after the holidays the second year of the Covid 19 pandemic and my Child has sneaked more fattening food than usual. Relatives’ Indulgent Parents joined with my own, allowing my Child to eat lots of things like pineapple upside-down cake. This year even my usually 12 pound dachshund, Dixie, gained a pound. Dixie doesn’t mind her rounder tummy, but I object to mine and I recall the fights I lost in my own head.
I remember a time when my inner-world supported my efforts to maintain a healthy diet. The impact of being ill with an especially toxic flu virus in 2018 and previous viruses since I was forty-seven left me with a damaged gut, many allergies and a foggy brain. To recover I sought help with functional medicine providers and followed their diet and supplement programs. While I worked for my health, I lost some weight and had no trouble resisting cake and ice cream.
My Child didn’t argue much because she was scared about what had happened to me. The idea of getting really sick again kept her on the edge of fight-or-flight. My Indulgent Parent focused on helping me find new ways to play with the healthy recipes my Adult discovered online. My Critical Parent kept after me about my failing to exercise as I was advised to do, warning my Child that she should stop watching so many cooking shows and get off the couch. I gradually managed to fend off Belief #4, that if something threatening (another viral attack) might happen, it’s helpful to worry about it frequently.
By the holidays this year I was feeling well! I decided I’d try eating dairy products again and really got into ice cream and yogurt which I’d really missed. I ate gluten-free desserts and just too many snacks. My Indulgent Parent pushed Belief #11 my way: If you’re special in some way you’re entitled to recognition and an easier path. I didn’t care about recognition, but I was ready for that easier path. I felt special because I’d worked so hard for years, depriving myself of favorite foods and often feeling hungry, things only a special person would do.
Self-pity swept over my Child instead of the pride she’d had over what she’d helped to accomplish in restoring my health. My Indulgent Parent was crushing my Critical Parent, so my Adult offered a compromise. Let’s just eat a little ice cream and a few sweet snacks. You know what happened next. Ever trying to keep the peace, my Adult kept looking for information to help find new ways to motivate internal cooperation.
One day YouTube played a video where Erica Sonnenburg explained in persuasive detail how the gut works against sustained diet changes.* It turns out that the “microbiome” that inhabits our gut will switch overnight when we change our diet for the better. And as we persist in our new diet, it will remain improved for a while. But it retains the memory of previous indulgences and will in time slide back in to our previous, less healthy but enticing diet.
So my Indulgent Parent cried, it’s not all my Child’s fault! We really are special if we can keep this up indefinitely with all the temptation around us, along with the corrupting influence of our own gut. Yes, it often helps to think of myself as more than one person! Now my Adult I realizes that as long as I feel healthy, the only motivation to keep up my new diet is how I look, and that’s not enough. I like my appearance better at this weight than with the extra twenty pounds I had for several years. It would be inconvenient and costly to buy larger clothes again. But I didn’t really feel unattractive with that extra weight, I felt cozier. And I enjoy shopping.
To make matters worse, my Critical Parent disapproves of focusing too much on such things. She often embraces Belief #3 that I deserve to be blamed and punished if I don’t meet the standard she sets. My Adult allows her to hold the standard that I should concern myself with the needs of others and my spiritual journey instead. My Adult works continually to help balance her input and I welcome the challenge to do as she expects. It’s a major source of meaning in my life. But just one extra pound? One piece of cake?
The end of the story about my diet is in the future! But I know what I’m dealing with here and so my Adult can remind me of self-talk that’s helped me settle my inner conflict about this before:
- You have to stop somewhere with weight gain, so why not stop while you can still fit into your present wardrobe?
- Do you really want to go through the past several years of health problems again and the weight merry-go-round? That’s what you’ve learned to expect.
- Let’s find other ways to indulge our Child that don’t have the side effects that poor diet does!
A wise friend once told me that she finally stopped smoking because she got sick of quitting. Maybe that’s what I’ll do: stop repeating the unpleasant process of quitting my healthy diet. I’ll put that into my Wise Parent’s chest of wise quotes, closer to the top.
*Justin & Erica Sonnenburg, The Good Gut: Taking Control of Your Weight, Your Mood, and Your Long-Term Health. (New York, Penguin Books 2015)
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
In this picture Dixie is unhappy because of her bow, but okay because she’s gotten lots of treats for her trouble! A well-cared-for pet is playful, trusting and open to love. So also our own inner Child can enjoy these feelings when our Parent and Adult work well together. As I mentioned, the Parent holds the rules and beliefs you’ve learned as you’ve gone through your life. These can be conflicting and confusing for your Child. Let’s look at the first Toxic Belief, that you must have the approval of certain or many others to feel comfortable with yourself. This belief can be especially burdensome during the holidays, when you may come together with family or friends. We all have memories and expectations, good and bad, from our own experiences of holidays past.
Your Adult can make things easier for you, if it takes time to study your own memories and expectations. Once identified, they can be re-evaluated. If you find your Child dreading some parts of the holidays, your Adult can ask, why am I doing this every year? Then your Parent will provide the answer: because you owe it to your parents, and you must have their approval to enjoy the holidays; because your kids expect it; because the neighbors will talk; because you don’t want to make everyone angry or disappointed. With the first Toxic Belief, you feel like you’re a bad person (or bad Child) if you don’t have their approval.
“Well,” your Adult reasons, “there’s some merit in these concerns. I don’t want to be selfish and hurt my parents or kids by letting them down. My Child will feel guilty forever if I don’t come through.” This dilemma illustrates the input of two consistently different Parent parts. Your Indulgent Parent encourages you to put yourself first and ignore others’ input and needs, which gives you temporary relief. About half the toxic beliefs come from that Parent. The other six beliefs come from your Critical Parent, who tells you to distrust yourself and follow other people’s rules. This leads you to feel anxious about others’ judgment and approval. Their input can keep you on an emotional seesaw where your Child just can’t win.
When your Adult identifies a Toxic Belief, it has the opportunity to push for a more balanced view. In this case of holiday turmoil, it can suggest that you might discuss your needs and feelings with the other people to see if a different plan might also work for them. Everyone wins if they say, “Oh, thank goodness, I didn’t want to keep making a six-course dinner for thirty again this year either!” Identifying the belief allows your Adult to keep you from assuming what others want, a good reality check.
A bigger test happens when others are unwilling to consider your needs and feelings. Then your Adult must work with your Parent parts to make a plan that you believe is fair to both you and the others. They may still disapprove, but you won’t suffer so much. Your Adult can revise the first Toxic Belief like this: “I don’t need the approval of others; I need to balance their needs and mine to find the best solutions. Only I can finally make these evaluations for me, as an expression of my beliefs.” My teenage Child (who still wants others’ approval) will often add, “Perhaps their Indulgent or Critical Parents need some adjustment!” This process gradually builds for you a Wise Parent which replaces many of your Critical and Indulgent Parent messages. The Wise Parent holds your revised beliefs, which keep your Child more comfortable and happy.
Here’s a poem I wrote several years ago about my new plan for Christmas. It illustrates the input of my newly wiser Parent and the friskiness of my Adolescent/Child as a result. Most family and friends were fine with this, and the others just got over it. I did make a few exceptions for some who needed these to feel loved. Wisdom involves compromise.
Fake Fir
Always the scent of pine pitch
In the chill night air, crushed out
Of the carpet of needles lavishly strewn
Over the corner tree lot.
Always the hunt for the quintessential
Tree-of-the year, just so tall,
Just so irregular, just so fluffy.
Often in the rain, always in the dark.
Rebellion crept in slowly over the years,
First, with fewer gifts mailed out,
Then no more German Honey Bars,
And last, the ultimate sacrilege.
There it was on sale at McLendon’s:
Frankly artificial and just the right size.
Up a week earlier and not so prickly,
With hardly a needle to sweep.
No trunk to cut or water to spill
Or worry about how dry it was,
Lights and angels, toys and bells
Sparkled serenely unaware.
Now Christmas is more of spirit,
Of ancient carols heard with thoughtful ear,
Of Amahl and the Night Visitors,
And homemade frosted butter cookies.
No rush to finish before the tree dies.
Time to write and talk to friends,
To savor the season of celebration
And rejoice in the new birth of Love.
Who knows what contumacy is next?
Wrapping paper thrice recycled?
Ready-made pie crust and frozen hors d’oeuvres?
A cuddly, cream-colored fake fur?
12/04 Rea Anne Scovill
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
I love to listen to Windham Hill instrumental music, lie on my couch, gazing at the Douglas firs outside and just let my thoughts roam at this time of year. I’m contemplating this picture of a little pool around a rock on the ocean beach. I wrote another post for this week, but it’s too cluttered and complicated. A tide pool-like post is what I need.
Let’s look again at the crafting of one of my pebble mosaics to illustrate how your Adult can work with the outer world this time. Before I craft a pebble mosaic, I collect stones during many beach and river walks, often over several years. Sometimes I just focus on getting flat, roundish black ones. Other times I challenge myself to find some red or greenish ones, which are more rare. Experience has shown me about how big they all have to be, and that smooth, well-worn rocks come together in patterns I like. My Child joins in with her sensitivity to color, shape and beauty.
It’s your Adult who must look outward and select what you need for creating each thing you undertake. If it takes on too many projects, you’ll get confused and overwhelmed. If it narrows the selection too much, you’ll miss out on some possibilities. For one mosaic I just allowed flat round blue-black pebbles in concentric circles. I love the result. It seems to invite looking inward. But other shapes and colors greatly expand what designs I can create.
In January, people make resolutions to accomplish things they may not have gotten to the previous year: getting more exercise, straightening out their finances, organizing their closets, cooking more healthy food. How much input do their Adults have in this process? The whole resolution idea can set-up disharmony between Critical and Indulgent Parents and distressed fight-or-flight reactions in your Child.
The number of possible areas to focus is so overwhelming that most resolutions drift into the jumble of daily life. Your Parent and Child parts can become too confused to allow your Adult to function very well. You may not get enough rest to keep your brain healthy. You might try to multi-task to keep up, not really enjoying or taking full satisfaction in anything you do. You may compare yourself to others who seem to have their lives in better order and get discouraged.
Yet it’s possible that you actually managed to accomplish a lot in the past year. If all I do some years is pick up a bunch of pebbles on a few walks, I store them in special boxes for when there is time to craft again. Store your small and large accomplishments in your Wise Parent’s special memory chest to keep yourself hopeful and confident. This will help you handle more kinds of input and craft what you find into pleasing and positive designs for your life.
Gazing at a small round pool or circle of stones can be pleasant and comforting for awhile. You’ll need a strong, creative Adult to explore all the streams and colors of your true potential. My Adult has to keep us collecting pebbles longer than any Child could enjoy for me to accomplish an entire mosaic. Once I’m laying out the mosaic, it has to keep refocusing my effort over several hours-long sessions to carry out a pleasing pattern. Finally my Adult will make sure there’s time to clean up my mess as my Critical Parent watches nearby, and then figure out how to hang it up.
Your Adult can learn how to keep open to new possibilities while it also manages your daily life. It can learn through practice how to reduce inner conflict by managing your Parent and Child parts with more skill. Then it will be free to select and sort your experiences to plan for your next projects. What pebbles will you need for each mosaic of your life? How do you decide what designs to use, what directions to take? When can you find the time to craft them? Where do you find the confidence to keep working at all this?
As you revise your toxic beliefs and explore your potential, encountering other’s ideas for how to live, your Wise Parent will become strong. Balancing out your inner-world will become more “natural” and less demanding of your Adult’s attention. You’ll have less time spent in fight-or-flight and more energy to follow a unique path of your own. You’ll find that end-of-year reflections lead more easily to exciting plans for the next year.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
One day I decided that I should sort out for myself and my readers just how the FORMULA and the Adult-Parent-Child systems inter-connect and relate to Mental Fitness issues. I created the “Scaffold” here to capture this for us. In previous posts I’ve illustrated how these systems can combine by describing how I used them to combat fight-or-flight reactions in a few situations. Following the list of 12 Toxic Beliefs in the website discussion of the FORMULA, I noted that usually the first half of the beliefs belong to the Critical Parent and the next, to the Indulgent Parent. Then in Post #2 I admitted that I often think of myself as “we” instead of “I.”
In the scaffold drawing you can see arrows between the Adult-Parent-Child parts denoting how they influence each other. For you who like to have things sorted this way, I hope the scaffold helps. The entire scaffold will be more relevant in future posts. For now it might give you an overview for reference. For those who prefer a more intuitive approach, let me describe how I came to see my mind as multiple parts and why I find it helpful to divide it this way.
After my divorce in the 1970s I had to fend off waves of anxiety and dread that threatened to overwhelm me. I discovered that if my Adult could separate itself from my warring and confused Child and Parent parts, I could get my feet back on the ground. My own take on Eric Berne’s avatars (see ….) allowed me to function as a parent and graduate student despite frequent severe insomnia and panic attacks.
The fact that I could recognize and correct my toxic beliefs on my own was very reassuring and stabilizing. When negative feelings threatened to take over, I decided to use the reminder phrase, “Divide and conquer” to shove them aside. This gave my Adult the space to start sorting them out. My experiences as a mother, babysitter and teacher gave me a short-cut for how to comfort and reassure my own inner frightened or angry Child.
To sort out my Parent parts, I related each parent to half the beliefs and created reminder phrases for my Adult to use when they were too disruptive. “Stop exaggerating; none of this will kill us!” for my Critical Parent and “You’re just setting us up for future grief and we (Adult & Child) know it!” for my Indulgent Parent. These phrases respond to the basic message expressed through each Parent’s beliefs. They provided the space for my Adult to step in and revise any specific Child Brain Habits or Toxic Beliefs involved. “Divide and conquer!” worked so well that I’ve used it ever since.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
It seems to be easy for people to recognize their Critical Parent. When it presses it’s Toxic Beliefs on you, you feel it right away with a tightening gut or fists, flushed face, mental sense of being overwhelmed, prickling on the back of your neck or other body fight-or-flight reactions. Here’s an example of how your Adult and Wise Parent can limit its impact and keep you calm.
Ann Kelly, pictured above in her cozy pottery studio, demonstrates as a teacher the effects of not subscribing to Belief #3. This belief holds that when people, including yourself, don’t meet some standard you’ve set, they must be blamed and/or punished. In her studio, after I accidentally stained her new gray carpet with fine red clay, she had every right to chastise me. Instead, she provided a towel to put below my table and assured me that the stain might come out with a thorough cleaning. I felt awful, but without the clutch in my gut I would have had in my younger years, partly due to her kindness, and partly due to my work to reduce the power of belief #3.
What happens in your particular body when you’ve made a mistake that hurts someone else? That’s your Adult’s signal to step in and assure your Child that your life is not at stake. Remember, your body can’t help with complex problems. It’s only designed to save your life, not your friendships or your reputation. Ann helped reassure me with her kind response, but you can’t count on others to help you. Your Adult must quickly jump in to keep your Child from fight-or-flight .
How did I teach my stomach to butt out? First, I’d clutch in some situations and afterwards review what went on with my Parent and Child for that to happen. I’d see that belief #3 in some form was in play. My Critical Parent would scold my Child, saying, “How dare you be so careless when such a generous and kind woman is helping you?” And then my Child would tell itself, “I can’t stand it that I’m such a screw-up!” That would trigger my fight-or-flight response, the stomach clutch. You may be thinking, that’s not really fleeing or fighting. Herbert Benson, who studied this for much of his life, noted that when we don’t go actively into fight-or-flight, our body just stews in a toxic funk with our reaction. Benson says our bodies would be healthier if we did run away or strike out.
So instead of stewing with my guts in a knot after I stained Ann’s carpet, I felt a milder upset in my body and my Adult wasn’t overwhelmed by toxic fight-or-flight chemistry. After many years of work to manage the impact of belief #3, my Adult had built me a Wise Parent, who quickly offered reassuring comments for my Child. They went like this: “You know you always have trouble with this kind of situation and it doesn’t help to get all upset. You forgive others who harm you and you must forgive yourself too. You’re just human and you can’t help making mistakes.”
If Ann had joined my Critical Parent to scold my Child, my Wise Parent have added this: “You know how much you always want others’ approval (Belief #1), but you can’t always have it, especially if you create problems for them. They may still subscribe to Belief #3, but you don’t have to join them. Stay calm so our Adult can focus on solving the problem.” I’m happy to report that it’s taken a long time, but this Wise Parent self-talk is now more powerful than my Critical Parent’s and my gut doesn’t clutch so badly unless a car is coming at me down the road.
After a mistake one day a few years ago, my Wise Parent coined a reminder phrase to summarize my revision of Belief #3 and help my Adult jump in quickly: “I never deserve to feel that bad.” I had to evaluate whether I could really believe this: “Would I ever want another well-meaning person to feel that bad? No. Do I try to consider the other person most of the time? Yes. Do I demand that others be perfectly considerate of me? No. So I can give myself a break.” And just for the record, I did manage to get the stain out of Ann’s carpetJ
Part I, chapters 3 and 4 of Claim Your Own Mental Fitness describe this process in more detail and for all Twelve Toxic Beliefs. How this applies for other fight-or flight responses, like anxiety, cravings, anger, grief or depression is described in Part II. How to apply this in other situations with people like friends, co-workers, relatives, marriage partners or kids is covered in Part III. When you’ve mastered this process for both your inner-world fight-or-flight reactions and with your social contacts, you will enjoy true mental fitness and the inner peace it brings.
*Herbert Benson with Miriam Z. Klipper, The Relaxation Response, 1992.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
A penny saved is a penny earned.
Now that you can feel your Critical Parent (CP) at work, it’s more of a challenge to identify when your Indulgent Parent (IP) is stepping in. If your Adult fails to do this, you’ll certainly suffer the consequences. First it’s helpful to realize how often your Child takes control. Your Indulgent Parent facilitates your Child’s wired-in pleasure-seeking and pain-avoiding impulses. Marketing forces have focused billions of dollars and their shrewdest minds on how to target your Child without your Adult noticing. Sometimes you recognize their more blatant efforts to spin your Child into a strong and demanding force. The brain chemistry of this excitement can overwhelm your Adult, allowing you to buy the car you can’t afford or gamble away your savings. But with these big temptations, your Adult may be able to see the lies within the marketing and steer your Child into safer pleasures.
It’s when the ploy is more subtle that you can get taken in. When you see that something’s priced at $199.99, do you fully realize that it’s closer to $200 than $100? I get tricked by this even though I know the truth. My Child doesn’t want to face reality, so it overrides my Adult and gets the yummy new boots. My Indulgent Parent gives it permission to avoid facing this with Belief #9, that it’s more comfortable to avoid than to face responsibilities.. It also assures my Child that she’s special and deserves these great boots with Belief #11. Finally, my Indulgent Parent pushes Belief #10, that happiness depends on what life gives you. When my Child puts these boots on, it’s thrilled and feels just fine. When the credit card statement comes, my Critical Parent may berate it, calling it irresponsible and foolish. This would put a cloud over the pleasure of these tempting boots.
Your Indulgent Parent sets your child free to do whatever it wants right now. It overrides your Adult efforts to plan for a good future. It sabotages your budget, deludes you about how long things will take and lets you fail to keep your promises. Your Child is a force without its own judgment about the impact on your future or on others in your life. For you to have good relationships or develop what you plan, your Adult must have the support of your Wise Parent. Your Wise Parent can offer the revised beliefs that come from balancing your Critical and Indulgent Parent influences.
My Wise Parent, pulled in by my watchful Adult, could remind my Child that it also wants to get some plants for my garden, or take a trip to our favorite coastal town with the delightful basalt rocks along the ocean. It could note that $199.99 is just one cent away from $200.00 and the greedy advertising people are just trying to trick us. It could make clear that happiness comes from making wise choices about how to use your money, not really from the things money can buy. Your Wise Parent can remind your Child that it feels good to know you made a plan and followed it through to enjoy your life, and not feel foolish because you got distracted and cheated yourself out of guilt-free fun.
Your Child feels secure and has self-esteem when your Adult and Wise Parent take charge. It suffers when your Adult is careless and lets your Indulgent Parent seduce your Child with its permissive Toxic Beliefs.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
Imagine the shadow in this picture is my Adult and the very subtle pattern in the rivulet represents my three Child Brain Habits. It’s not easy to step out and take a picture of what happens in your brain. Let’s try to help you get a picture of these brain habits to help your Adult catch them at work.
To reach mental fitness your Adult needs all the help it can get to manage your own fight-or-flight reactions and then try to cope with the people and activities in your life. When it knows what to expect from your mind it can do this better. It’s pretty easy for your Adult to recognize a toxic belief and the Parent laying it on your Child, especially when you’ve learned what the most common beliefs are. Your Child’s plunge into fight-or-flight can be felt in your body and almost heard in its usual complaints of I can’t stand it and this is unbearable. Your Child Brain Habits are more difficult to identify and overcome.
These deeply imbedded ancient brain habits must have been helpful during times when our Adults had to recognize threats very quickly for survival. Speed must have been more important than accuracy then. I’ve named them Child Brain Habits because young children’s smaller, immature brains naturally use them to interpret what’s happening. They are: black-and-white thinking, personalization and over-generalization. When your Adult learns to catch them quickly, it can head off a whole lot of drama at its root.
These three brain habits share many of the same characteristics:
1) Since they’re evident in very young children and other mammals, they were probably wired-in for our protection early in human evolution.
2) They persist throughout your life, despite Adult efforts to retrain your mind.
3) Each one can have a broader impact on you than a toxic belief.
4) They each lead your Adult in a direction that sabotages it.
5) Since they’re constantly available, they appear in many situations without being noticed.
6) Each one influences you in more than one way, making it harder to identify and overcome it.
7) They set off many of your Toxic Beliefs, which can’t be permanently revised without also combatting the underlying brain habit.
8) Often more than one brain habit occurs at a time.
You can practice recognizing these habits in yourself, but it’s fascinating to see them play out among others. They’re pervasive in political discussion, religious theory, committee interactions and any time people come together. It’s helpful practice for your Adult to look for them when you’re not involved, on television or in movies or when just listening to others. These habits are deceptively simple and even those with the strongest Adult can fall under their influence.
It can be depressing to recognize how really fragile our human grip on reality is while you see people embrace these habits with passion and conviction. At a certain point, however, it’s refreshing to have your Wise Parent help you keep your perspective. To build this Parent’s wisdom, it’s fun to find wise quotes from others who have found ways to handle these primitive traits in your human nature. Sometimes you’ll even find yourself laughing at how absurd it can get, even for yourself.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
In psychology we define generalization as “the brain’s tendency to respond in the same way to different but similar things or situations.” For example, when you were in fifth grade your math teacher taught you a formula or principle using a few example problems. Then she’d give you a test with some different problems to see if you could still recognize and apply it. If you could, she’d know you’d learned it. You count on generalizing to apply what you learn to similar situations in the future and cope with them.
We must generalize continually to learn anything. We can’t learn enough by looking at examples of things, we need to pool our experiences and create expectations that allow us to plan our lives. Which restaurant tonight, with whom? Who can I count on to help with this new project? I don’t have a tool to fix this, what could I substitute that will work almost as well? We need to identify what’s similar between different things to make choices.
Overgeneralizing creeps in when the new situation is not as similar as you think. You might have applied a formula to a problem where it didn’t work and gotten it wrong in fifth grade. In real life you’re presented with countless opportunities to apply previous learning in situations where it doesn’t fit. Stereotyping is an example of overgeneralizing with people. It’s a short-cut for evaluating another person which may have had survival value in ancient times. Humans (and other animals) naturally do it because they want or need a quick idea of how to relate to someone new.
However, it takes time to see other people accurately in all their unique complexity. We may see traits in someone new that remind us of others we’ve known or heard about and think they’ll be alike. You can’t take time to know that many people very well. If your Adult doesn’t recognize when you’re relying on assumptions that you haven’t checked out yet, you may fail to see how your new acquaintance is different from what you thought.
If you then treat him unfairly, and don’t recognize signs that your assumptions don’t fit, your overgeneralization can set off some toxic beliefs. You can expect things that are positive or negative about him that aren’t true. Either way, you’ll create problems when you try to relate, as long as your Adult doesn’t wake up and see that you’ve overgeneralized into a false view of him.
When you realize you don’t have enough information to judge someone, you’re less likely to get drawn into fight-or-flight interactions with them. Your Adult can keep monitoring for when a toxic belief is emerging and refrain from being hurt by or blaming this new person. For example, Belief #3, where you blame someone for making what you consider a mistake, is one belief that becomes more intense when you overgeneralize. Your Adult may not consider how his differences could cause his unexpected behavior and your Critical Parent comes down on him. A strong Adult will guard against this by recognizing your human tendency to assume similarities between people without checking out your assumptions before you spring into fight-or-flight.
Overgeneralizing may be the most common source of misinformation that leads you to operate in a “false world.” This brain habit causes an inevitable struggle for your Adult to manage all your life. It spawns serious social justice problems when people hear and believe negative things about groups who differ from their own. Keeping an open mind about people who differ from us seems to be very hard. We often overgeneralize by equating different with threatening and press newcomers to conform to our ways. In our distant past this tendency may have been protective for our survival, but you’ll need to update it indefinitely.
You’re probably aware of stereotypes for groups with different skin color, religion, personal style, interests, occupation, sexual identification, accent, etc. Others will urge you to join them as they discriminate against others who are different. They count on scaring or tempting your Child and sucking in your Parents (and their toxic beliefs) to override your Adult functioning. Once your Adult learns how to recognize their pressures to overgeneralize, it can begin its detective work. It must identify the toxic beliefs of your Parents, reassure your Child and finally develop Wise Parent messages to help keep you on track. I don’t really know yet is a good phrase to keep handy.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
Feliciana Netamba cares for her two children at their home in the Cacilhas village near Huambo, Angola, where the MENTOR Initiative is working to help control malaria. Photo by Mike DuBose, United Methodist News Service.
When your Parent and Child parts buy into what should be tentative conclusions, or guesses, they move away from the truth about a situation. Overgeneralizing words like always, never, all, everyone or no one, only and assume should signal your Adult into quick action. Here’s how overgeneralizing ignites fight-or-flight for a few beliefs: Belief #7 is in effect when you tell yourself that if you work long and hard, it will always lead to the success you wanted. Belief # 5 discourages you from trying when you think you can never overcome the disadvantages of your past. Beliefs # 2 and 3 can trigger intense jealousy if someone else outperforms you in an area where you assume you’ll always come out ahead. Belief # 8 may encourage you to quit looking for your best path because you think that happiness is only and always just what life gives you.
To reduce fight-or flight reactions to always and never overgeneralizing in your toxic beliefs, your Adult must offer Wise Parent phrases like: I’m just guessing about this, but this is what I think now; or from what I know about it, this may work. It’s often best to say, until I get more information, I can’t evaluate this. Your Wise Parent is developed as you revise toxic beliefs and gain wisdom from others. It acts like a bank from which your Adult can withdraw phrases to revise persistent toxic beliefs and quiet fight-or-flight responding.
The best example of humans coming together to manage overgeneralization may be found in the scientific method. It’s designed to prevent people from concluding that things are true based on just a few examples. Testimonials from individuals make the news, but they can’t offer reliable information about most people. Scientists publish articles where they detail how they followed the scientific method in their work. These allow anyone to judge whether their conclusions are close to being true. Here are some steps that the scientific method offers to help you avoid living in a false world:
- When a study is reported it must disclose who funded it. This allows the reader to consider how it might have been biased in favor of the funding group or groups.
- Scientists must define how they’ve selected the participants. Random sampling is the goal for initial selection and important at every step. If this isn’t done, the results can’t be generalized to groups containing a different type of person (gender, age, experience, level of health, ethnic or racial group, etc.) For years all research on breast cancer was done with men, because women’s hormone changes made study more difficult in them. Scientists who conducted these were overgeneralizing if they that the results of a treatment would work the same for women generally as for the men in their studies. Often this did occur.
- There must be a large enough group of people studied for any answers to be considered even partially true. Scientists describe the probability that their findings are true in percentages.
- When large, well-run studies by several respected groups around the world come up with the same results, you can have the most confidence that their findings can be generalized to people in general. After just one study, it’s common for other researchers to run similar studies and find different results. Even one factor that’s different, like reliance on participants from England instead of Kenya, can change the outcome. They’d be overgeneralizing if they claimed that their results would be true beyond England for some issues.
How do scientists guard against overgeneralizing? They document how they perform every step of their studies and encourage others to try to duplicate their work. Because it’s impossible to provide conditions like perfect random sampling, honest researchers will share the limits of how their work can be generalized. Those who do overgeneralize lose the respect and trust of other scientists and their funding. They hurt the progress of science because large research studies are expensive and require the committed efforts of many people, often over many years. In medicine and other areas of research this can be devastating.
Researchers who won’t follow the rules and lie about it may subscribe to Indulgent Parent Belief # 12: If you’re very clever, you can find shortcuts around the frustrating rules in our society. They don’t get away with it because other studies will prove their claims to be false. In medicine they waste precious time when new treatments are badly needed. If their work is overgeneralized, they may harm many people. An example of this is when doctors choose to overgeneralize by prescribing medicine that hasn’t been proven effective or safe for people outside the group that’s been studied.
How can your Adult sift through all the information you receive to identify what’s most likely to be true? Watch for how a scientist or doctor describes it. Do they use the words always or never? Do they refer to reliable sources for their information? Are they respected among other scientists in their field who know the quality of their work? Do they call their findings true or most likely true (which is more accurate) at a certain percentage? Is your doctor recommended by another respected doctor who knows her work? If not, you risk joining the false world of overgeneralization with all the risks it poses.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
This picture shows that somebody wanted to create a unique statement at the beach. He or she thought about what to sculpt and carefully formed this octopus of damp sand. To make it more visible, the sculptor laid out seaweed to contrast with its arms. Now we can readily see this remarkable design. Social skills like assertiveness also require this kind of focus, caring and creative problem-solving. You just can’t fill a bucket with sand and dump it out. Your Adult needs to set goals, study what they’ll require and then work with your Child and Parent parts to develop and express your new skills.
In the early 1970s when I was in graduate school at the University of Iowa, the Women’s Movement rolled through. I sewed curtains for the new women’s center and then helped develop assertion training groups. These groups began because it was felt that, due to being treated as “less than” men, women lacked the skills and attitudes they needed to succeed in their work and enjoy healthy relationships.
You must be assertive to be mentally fit. Whether you’re a man or woman, you must be assertive to experience the social confidence and self-respect mental fitness brings. If not, others won’t fully open up to you because they can tell you’re not really open with them. Do you make a sarcastic joke at their expense? Do you pretend to be happy with them and then blow up occasionally? Do you vent your hurt and anger to others, thinking your comments won’t get back to the person you were afraid to confront? Do you usually withdraw and avoid real friendship because it’s just too hurtful and disappointing? In Claim Your Own Mental Fitness, Chapter 1, Part III, Friendship Holds the Keys, I describe in detail how being assertive opens the door for you to enjoy trust and harmony in your relationships.
As the sand sculptor formed the octopus, you can create within you the skills to be assertive. Using the FORMULA, your Adult must tune in to your Child’s anxiety and, with your Wise Parent, convince your Child that it does not need to go into fight-or-flight if another person gets angry or even dumps you. Because early human survival depended on social cooperation, social rejection became a trigger for fight-or-flight. The first time I decided to confront a person I really depended on for friendship (at about age thirty-one), I felt nauseous, my heart raced and my brain felt like spaghetti.
Here’s how I prepared myself. First, I re-read sections of Manuel Smith’s book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, where his students offer dialogue examples of how to talk assertively, not aggressively. I practiced what I could say in several variations of how the conversation might go. Once I had that down, my Adult worked on my toxic beliefs. (#1) No, I don’t need this friend’s approval or even her friendship, I just want it, my body can stay out of it.(#3) This friend is kind and fair-minded, she probably won’t blame or punish me for asking her to respond to my concern. (#9) No, it’s not more comfortable to avoid this conversation and keep getting privately upset with her. Finally, it’s not a black-and-white, either-or thing, that she’ll either be fine with this or reject me totally. Just because I’m uncertain and anxious doesn’t mean I can’t take this non-life-threatening risk to improve our friendship.
It was still very scary for me to gently open the topic I needed to discuss, and my body was still in take-off mode. My friend and I easily came to an understanding and I was launched on my assertive path. Consider the things you already care for thoughtfully: your home, your appearance, your crafts, your family, your career skills. This same kind of attention and persistence will also bring you the assertiveness you need to be mentally fit and the deeply rewarding relationships it makes possible.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
All it takes is a point of light, a ray of hope in the darkest night… Randy Travis
Do you ever have moments when you get what seems like a great idea, but later you reconsider and decide you’d be crazy to try to do that? Here I am to show you what crazy looks like! I put this costume together when my son was six and we were going to a Halloween costume party. I sewed him the clown costume he wanted and designed my Mrs. Fixit trappings to express the longing I had to find full-time work as a therapist. Here’s how Mrs. Fixit lights her candle and keeps it burning.
In 1976 had my Ph.D., but lacked the confidence to pursue a therapist job during the mental health climate of the time. So I did part-time jobs that grew me in new ways. The most powerful was two years of marketing the Dale Carnegie Course. I was never very good at it, but I got over my HSP self-consciousness. Every day I’d cold-call on companies in the northwest Chicago area until about 3:00 pm, when the pain in my gut from fear made me go home to lie on the couch and regroup. Gradually, I realized that I shouldn’t take other people’s reactions to me personally and my gut became more comfortable for life. My favorite saying that our boss, Jim Bowen, gave us for this fear was “Nobody ever kicks a dead dog.” This helped me learn how to keep my candle burning indefinitely.
How do you decide when a “great” idea is great enough to pursue? Research to discover what else has been done in the field. Has your idea already been done; what came of it? Why? Maybe it wasn’t very well done, or you could do it in a different way to good effect. Or you might choose a different great idea to pursue. Get the training necessary for developing your idea. Finally, as Napoleon Hill advised in his book, The Master-Key to Riches, find a like-minded group to support you along the way.
If you’re confused about which direction you should take, because you have ideas in several areas, check out Pt. II Chapter 7 of my book, where there’s an exercise to help you set short- and long-term goals in key areas. Review your life to consider what you’ve loved doing and where you excel, then talk with trusted friends and mentors about what they think might be most fruitful for your to explore. Try some smaller, related projects to see how they work for you. You’ll likely discover personal limitations that prevent you from pursuing some ideas. Your Wise Parent should be assuring your Child that you have all the talents you need to live a rich and meaningful life. If it’s not doing that well enough, it’s time to review Part I of Claim Your Own Mental Fitness to learn how your Adult can transform some unexamined Toxic Beliefs (especially toxic Belief #2) into Wise-Parent guidance.
Elaine Aron (hsperson.com) has developed a video, Sensitive, about HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons or those with sensory processing sensitivity) to help them find the confidence and acceptance they need to bring their talents into a world that tends to overwhelm them and snuff out their candles. As an HSP I’m grateful for her work, but I know that many non-HSP’s also get discouraged. Too many distractions of daily living pull us away from our goals. There are too many people with unresolved grief and anger who want to crush anyone who expresses enthusiasm and confidence. I guess it makes them feel better about their own dead candles, but all they’d have to do to reignite them is build up their own Wise Parents.
Remember it’s good to be a living dog and embrace life with energy and a sense of purpose. Celebrate where you are on your journey with a costume, picture or symbol that expresses where you are and keep your candle burning.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
When you see what’s wrong and you try to make it right, you will be a point of light. Randy Travis
This line from Randy Travis always brings me to tears. But wishing don’t make it so. First you must construct a lantern for your candle. This spark of inspiration and faith in yourself, like all fire, needs containment and guidance to become Travis’ point of light. Mrs. Fixit would say that the candle represents the unique set of skills and talents you have to fuel this light and your Adult must experiment with how to keep it burning. The glass in a lantern protects your inspiration from the wind and rain along your journey, and allows it to keep lighting your way. The metal housing gives your candle a firm base to keep it steady and an access point for recharging your fuel. The handle allows you to hold it up where you need its luminance. You’ll construct your own unique lanterns as you go.
To claim your own mental fitness, you must have a grasp of just what you need to navigate in your life. The system I’ve been describing in this blog and in Claim Your Own Mental Fitness offers the means to construct this for yourself. Here’s a review of the key elements:
- Child: the energy, talents and interests that constitute the raw material for your candle
- Indulgent Parent: the unfettered permission to explore and express Child impulses in potentially scented and malleable wax-like form
- Critical Parent: the limiting and shaping instrument that forms your candle
- Wise Parent: balances these two, allowing a well-shaped and sturdy candle that’s not too brittle or too soft
- Adult: monitors these as you go through your days, adjusting each and creating your Wise Parent as it revises the Toxic Beliefs of your Indulgent and Critical Parents. It trims your wick just right and makes sure your candle is ready for your journey into relationships and managing your daily life.
The skills your Adult needs to provide this guiding influence are contained in the FORMULA. Remember, it must Focus inward upon your Child and Parent parts, Observe what Toxic Beliefs might be triggering fight-or-flight and Revise these to calm your system and make the new versions available in your Wise Parent. Then your Adult must Monitor for any needed adjustments, continually Using your Child’s body-linked feedback that fight-or-flight has begun. Next your Adult must support your Child’s feelings of hope, confidence and strength by Lightening its day with fun, inspiring, healing and energizing experiences. This keeps your light shining brightly. Finally Your Adult must learn how to Apply this system when you interact with other people and when life stresses you in new ways that threaten to take you into overwhelming emotional darkness.
Three-year-olds don’t design lanterns. With their immature pre-frontal cortexes, they can’t monitor well or study how other people have found ways to become steady points of light. Gradually we develop the mental ability to do this, but we often get very poor guidance for how to build effective lanterns as we go through life. Expect to work hard for mental fitness. Even when you know how to work with your different mind aspects and practice the FORMULA, it’s still very hard to keep a steady march with your point of light through all the stressors you encounter.
Once you have your lantern, how can you “see what’s wrong and try to make it right?” Your Adult must be like Syd Mead’s robot “Number Five” in the 1986 film Short Circuit, open to and hungry for INPUT. Humans through all our history have struggled with the same issues facing you. They’ve written about what’s helped them, often brilliantly. Nowadays movies and other videos offer new avenues for study. To keep your Adult functioning well you must keep practicing the FORMULA and also become a life-long learner about mental fitness.
Study the Wise Parent guidance of others you respect to decide what you believe is right or wrong. Don’t be too proud or too lazy to explore what they have to offer if you want mental fitness. Your steady light can lead others to light their own candles and see what’s wrong, then try to make it right.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated. (From the Dale Carnegie Course, 1976)
Here’s a new take on compassion and assertiveness! For a stronger Adult, a wiser Wise Parent and a more secure Child, consider the story of “Compassion, Assertiveness and the Pop-Bead Puppy.”
As I sat feeling exhausted in my doctor’s sunny waiting room, an older man holding a string of gold-colored pop-beads came over to me. He said “I want to give you something.” I was touched by his kind, gentle manner and invited him to sit next to me. Before retiring he’d traveled all around Louisiana working for Carpenter Tractors. Gradually he’d discovered that what he loved best to do was “put a smile on a someone’s face.” He said giving tiny pop-bead animals to people was his way to do that and he twisted the golden beads into a puppy for me.
I asked the Bead Man what he did when people got annoyed and treated him like he was trying to do something harmful to them. His face darkened and he said, “That’s bad.” After a moment he added, “but I know He (pointing upward as his face brightened) knows what I’m doing. I shared with him how I’d spent my life trying to find ways to do the same thing. I thanked him and as he left we laughed about how we both “just couldn’t get enough of those wonderful smiles.” This left me to ponder the issue of how humans react to what others offer them.
This gentle man felt really bad when people turned their eyes and hearts away from him as though he were panhandling for loose change. He wanted so much for people to give his gift a chance and could only keep going because he believed that a Higher Power recognized and appreciated him every time. Let’s consider what his motives might have been to perform this unusual behavior. Was he really panhandling for something else that would take from others much more than it gave? We’d call that self-serving and turn away. We could stay open to a friend who did that for a while, but not a stranger. Perhaps we’d fear that if we “gave him an inch, he’d take a mile,” and try to expand the contact into asking, say for a meal or a donation or more listening than we wanted to offer.
The Bead Man told me he just did this to see me smile. Why would he want to do that? He could be one of Elaine Aron’s HSP’s with “sensory processing sensitivity,” whose mirror neurons in their brain get more excited by smiles than the other 80% of the population, so he’d just be sharing what he loves. Chefs, artists, car dealers and most of the rest of us like to do that with others who enjoy the same things. They learn not to take rejection of their gifts as a rejection of themselves and to accept that what they offer may have limited appeal. Finally, he may have found this as a way to somehow transform grief from his life, like the mothers whose children were killed by drunk drivers joined to form MADD, with profoundly rooted zeal and determination to keep fewer children from dying this way.
When someone offers you a gift with an extra urgency that could make you suspicious and turn away, try staying open and allow your Adult to consider thoughtfully where this earnest person is really coming from. Unless there could actually be life-or-death consequences, let your Wise Parent assure your Child that your assertive Adult can set effective limits as needed. Remember that all of us want recognition and appreciation from each other, whatever our styles and the gifts we offer. You may find a kindred spirit along the way to brighten the path of your journey and soothe the pain we all find as we travel.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
The graph above describes an intuitive view of the grief process, based on how much energy grief seems to require at each stage. The way energy flows in your process may be different, but what’s important is for your Adult to learn how to recognize the five stages as they happen. Grief can prevent mental fitness and the kind of joy that makes life a rich adventure. It sucks out the hope human beings need to keep engaging in life. Seeing grief in five stages allows your Adult to track your progress and observe when you’re moving forward, sliding back or getting stuck. Humans do seem to share this five-stage process while they grieve in their own way.
In this post we’ll look at the first two stages of this process and the next three in the following post. Toxic Beliefs create unrealistic expectations for what life brings you. You have a loss to grieve each time these aren’t met. The beliefs of your Critical Parent may cause you to lose confidence in yourself as well as others. For example, Belief #3 encourages you to set standards for yourself and others that may be unrealistic. Your Indulgent Parent embraces Belief #8, that happiness depends on what happens to you and other beliefs that make you expect more from other people than you’ll receive and less from yourself. Each of these Parents sets you up to expect things that your Adult could recognize are unrealistic.
Denial and bargaining are the first stages of the grief process. They can happen outside of your awareness for just awhile or for years. In many cases Toxic Beliefs that interfere with your Adult functioning were somewhat valid when you were a child. If your parents had outgrown these, they might have offered role models for how to revise them as you grew up. If not, you’ll need to do this on your own, possibly with the support of wise, mature friends or a counselor. Your watchful Adult can learn to recognize their influence and help you face and heal your losses. Your Wise Parent can become your Child’s reliable internal support, replacing your Critical and Indulgent Parents as it comforts you with revised beliefs. This support will allow your Child to tolerate the next stages of your grief process and reduce tendencies to revert back into previously visited stages.
Denial begins when your Child can’t believe or accept that what she counted on doesn’t happen. Perhaps your mother didn’t make you feel loved and Belief #1 that you must have the love of a significant person, haunts you years later with fight-or-flight reactions in close relationships. You need a way to grieve and heal this wound, but your Adult can’t tackle this problem as long as you deny its impact. Perhaps your father’s job helped reinforce his father’s embrace of Belief #3, that his standards must always be met, and he was unfairly critical of you and others. Maybe your grandmother’s Indulgent Parent encouraged you to feel like you deserve to feel sorry for yourself when things don’t go easily for you and you’re upset to be disappointed over and over again (Belief # 11 or # 12). As long as you deny or minimize these very painful facts (with or without awareness), your Adult can’t revise your beliefs, and you don’t build a Wise Parent to comfort you.
Bargaining happens when you use irrational strategies to maintain your denial. Belief # 1 could lead you to minimize what one parent did to hurt you, because you feel like you must have at least one parent who loved you when you were a child. As an adult, this belief might keep you from being assertive with a friend or partner as your Child trembles with the fear of losing him. Belief #3 could make you try to pressure others to behave according to the standards you’ve learned and get very disappointed when they don’t. You might block out or lie about memories from the past if Belief # 5 leads you to fear that your past determines what your present life can be. This internal bargaining might delay loss of a friend or a job, but it may also set you up for more loss when you friend or associate loses respect for you and doesn’t want you around any longer.
You’ll note on the graph that these denial efforts do cost more energy than when you’ve resolved the grief process. If you remain in denial and bargaining, your Child’s sense of security remains lower and your Indulgent and Critical Parents respond with heightened signals for fight-or-flight. When a new loss occurs, your Adult will have less ability to sort out what’s going on as your feelings of fight-or-flight escalate. If your Adult can keep resolving your grief as events happen, you’ll be resilient for future disappointments, frustrations and trauma. This requires you to move out of denial and on to the next stages of grief, anger, sadness and acceptance.
Social anxiety is another common issue for HSPs. It is a chronic form of Personalization that can be isolating and very harmful. It’s the feeling that the people around you are always looking for ways to find fault with you. I remember feeling sick to my stomach as I sat among the 20 kids in my kindergarten class for most of the year. As a young teenager I’d easily be triggered into the same feeling when I had to cope with several kids. This problem was worsened because my family often enjoyed teasing me until I cried and ran away when we sat at the dinner table. They justified this by telling me, “The world’s a harsh place and we’re trying to help you stop being so sensitive.”*
Although most of my HSP clients weren’t tormented, social anxiety was prevalent for them. I was so miserable by age twelve that I began reading to find some answers. I received my first Bible and loved to read about the kindness that Jesus taught people to offer everyone. I read my dad’s copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People and discovered that people need you to focus on them and listen well. I journaled every night, noting whether I had done that. I was a lonely, intense and talkative kid, so this was difficult, but I learned to stop sharing much about myself with anyone but a couple friends and to listen well.
One fascinating thing I discovered during this self-improvement effort was how really focused on themselves most people (including me) are. It was such a relief to realize that I could be invisible to most people simply by not talking. As I shared these strategies with my HSP clients, I received the most surprised reactions when they tried this experiment: When you’re in a group of people you don’t know well, engage another person in light conversation (“small talk”) by asking about them, their family, their hobbies, their job, what they’ve done for fun lately. Encourage them to talk for a while and then add a very brief comment about yourself related to what they’ve been sharing. See how long it is before they look at their watch. My clients usually were skeptical, but would return and exclaim that they couldn’t believe how quickly others actually did that, and then moved on to talk with someone else. We agreed that those who actually kept interacting might be friend material, unless they were leading up to a marketing proposal.
When I worked for the Dale Carnegie classes in Chicago I was taught how to engage a boss to listen and sometimes make the choice to pay for an employee to take the classes that embodied what I’d read in his book when I was twelve. It brought me to tears to see how others were transformed in the fourteen-week, four-hours-a-night class. Gradually, I overcame most of my remaining social anxiety as I grew in my interpersonal skills and discovered that others’ responses really had almost nothing to do with me. I never became a great salesperson, but what I learned has meant so much more than money for the rest of my life.
Another problem HSPs have is that too often when they tell their doctors about their anxiety and how it cripples them, they’re offered addictive medication (like the valium I was prescribed and didn’t take). Usually they aren’t clearly referred for counseling, where they could learn how to cope without this, even when the meds begin to cause serious problems. I’ve worked with HSPs addicted to these medications who went thru hell to get off of them because of their HSP sensitivity to these drugs.
*In Elaine Aron’s video, Sensitive, she describes how often family and friends may try this damaging approach with HSPs and provides a thorough description of what a “Highly Sensitive Person” is. It’s available for about $10.00 at her website, www.hsp.com .
principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated. (From the Dale Carnegie Course, 1976)
Here’s a new take on compassion and assertiveness! For a stronger Adult, a wiser Wise Parent and a more secure Child, consider the story of “Compassion, Assertiveness and the Pop-Bead Puppy.”
As I sat feeling exhausted in my doctor’s sunny waiting room, an older man holding a string of gold-colored pop-beads came over to me. He said “I want to give you something.” I was touched by his kind, gentle manner and invited him to sit next to me. Before retiring he’d traveled all around Louisiana working for Carpenter Tractors. Gradually he’d discovered that what he loved best to do was “put a smile on a someone’s face.” He said giving tiny pop-bead animals to people was his way to do that and he twisted the golden beads into a puppy for me.
I asked the Bead Man what he did when people got annoyed and treated him like he was trying to do something harmful to them. His face darkened and he said, “That’s bad.” After a moment he added, “but I know He (pointing upward as his face brightened) knows what I’m doing. I shared with him how I’d spent my life trying to find ways to do the same thing. I thanked him and as he left we laughed about how we both “just couldn’t get enough of those wonderful smiles.” This left me to ponder the issue of how humans react to what others offer them.
This gentle man felt really bad when people turned their eyes and hearts away from him as though he were panhandling for loose change. He wanted so much for people to give his gift a chance and could only keep going because he believed that a Higher Power recognized and appreciated him every time. Let’s consider what his motives might have been to perform this unusual behavior. Was he really panhandling for something else that would take from others much more than it gave? We’d call that self-serving and turn away. We could stay open to a friend who did that for a while, but not a stranger. Perhaps we’d fear that if we “gave him an inch, he’d take a mile,” and try to expand the contact into asking, say for a meal or a donation or more listening than we wanted to offer.
The Bead Man told me he just did this to see me smile. Why would he want to do that? He could be one of Elaine Aron’s HSP’s with “sensory processing sensitivity,” whose mirror neurons in their brain get more excited by smiles than the other 80% of the population, so he’d just be sharing what he loves. Chefs, artists, car dealers and most of the rest of us like to do that with others who enjoy the same things. They learn not to take rejection of their gifts as a rejection of themselves and to accept that what they offer may have limited appeal. Finally, he may have found this as a way to somehow transform grief from his life, like the mothers whose children were killed by drunk drivers joined to form MADD, with profoundly rooted zeal and determination to keep fewer children from dying this way.
When someone offers you a gift with an extra urgency that could make you suspicious and turn away, try staying open and allow your Adult to consider thoughtfully where this earnest person is really coming from. Unless there could actually be life-or-death consequences, let your Wise Parent assure your Child that your assertive Adult can set effective limits as needed. Remember that all of us want recognition and appreciation from each other, whatever our styles and the gifts we offer. You may find a kindred spirit along the way to brighten the path of your journey and soothe the pain we all find as we travel.
by wp-admin | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
Dolly was a beautiful long-haired dachshund with a personality that we knew from the start would one day break our hearts. After almost eighteen years, that’s what happened. I must tell you about her. In this picture she’s still got the shorter coat of a puppy. She would tip her head as she looked at you and charm you to tears. She’d play under a sheet like a cat, on her back batting at your hand and rolling around as you tickled her through the sheet. She would stand over our our chests and try to kiss us. She turned her head sideways so she could gently surround John’s nose with her jaw. She was two months old when we got her and the only other dog she tolerated was Henry, her Black and Tan older dachshund “brother.” We’d have to pick her up and restrain her to keep her from rushing to go for the throat of any dog we encountered. Henry loved to fetch a stick in a river or lake. She’d only do it a few times as if to show that she could.
You get the picture. We were in denial that we would lose her the last couple years and carefully dosed her with pain meds for her back pain. We even looked into back surgery for her (bargaining?). We weren’t angry over her death, but we were devastated with how it happened. Her back suddenly went into terrible pain and it was traumatic taking her, shivering and distraught, to be euthanized. John still cringes over seeing her go limp. I still feel pain in my chest when I think of her eleven years later. It was hard not to feel disloyal as though she could see me (continuing denial?), when two years later we adopted five-year old Dixie. John, who used to think he didn’t like dogs, is intensely bonded with Dixie and of course I love her unique, gentle and sweet temperament. Like Henry, she doesn’t know much about playing, just lots about love. Grief is a personal and unique journey for all of us. I’ll never lose all the pain of losing Dolly and I’m glad I still have that much of her left in my heart.
Continuing with this objective discussion of the grief process: Anger happens when you actually recognize what you’ve lost. You may have counted on someone to be there for you who wasn’t (Belief # 10). You may be very upset when others don’t share your standards for how to behave (Belief # 3). You may hate a person who gets the job you expected because of your many years of service (Belief #7). If you hadn’t worked hard for the promotion, you’d be angry because you expected special treatment (Belief # 11). You may be angry with yourself (guilty) if you don’t get extremely upset over a loved one’s problems, even when you provide a lot of support (Belief # 6).
Your Adult can help reduce the intensity of your fight-or-flight reactions by challenging the beliefs that keep them fired up. As an adult you can handle more than your Critical and Indulgent Parents tell you in these Toxic Beliefs. Your Adult can look for your Child’s “I can’t stand it when…” and “this is unbearable,” in response to their influence. Adult self-management (mental fitness) can help you calm down and move into the next step of grief.
Sadness happens when you feel the effects of your loss. The previous stages of grief reduce this feeling and even protect you from it. The pressure of your Parents’ Toxic Beliefs can leave your Child very much afraid of knowing how s/he really feels. Our society’s general support for these Twelve Toxic Beliefs supports this fear. Clients I worked with who cried during doctor appointments often left with medication to suppress their grief. Especially for men, it’s still often considered a shameful weakness to be very sad for very long. Anger and denial are generally better accepted for them.
Sadness is called trauma when it leads men and women soldiers to take their lives after what they’d experienced in war. People are traumatized when they are abused as children. Trauma victims may repress their memories for many years, shoving them aside without realizing it. Our human brain-body systems protect us as much as they can, from what they believe could cause life-threatening destabilization.
There’s a difference in the degree of wounding and pain between what is considered trauma and sadness. For both of these our society’s embrace of Toxic Beliefs makes resolving grief more difficult. People often won’t seek help when they need it. They may revisit denial, bargaining and especially anger for years as they fend off their (sometimes buried out of their awareness) fear of what sadness might do to them. However, grief can only be resolved when you complete the whole process. Connecting with people who have a strong Wise Parent, friends, a counselor or a support group can help your Adult when your Toxic Parent-Child interactions overwhelm you with fear. With the right support your Adult can gradually free you of these influences and build a Wise Parent to comfort you and soothe your sadness.
Finally, you could be ready to move into the last stage of grief that’s most often called acceptance. People all need to find their own understanding of how to resolve their grief each time they experience it. One client said she found adjusting to fit better for what she felt. This expressed for her the fact that acceptance doesn’t mean you have to decide that something was fair or just, but simply that it happened and it’s over. This is what’s possible when your Toxic Beliefs about your loss are revised into reality-based versions which are readily accessible from your Wise Parent. For some, especially those who have been traumatized, mind-body work is needed to reset their fight-or-flight sensitivity. Many can only resolve their grief when they turn their wounds into action to prevent similar pain for others. This is called transforming grief and will be discussed in future posts. For a more thorough discussion of the grief process, trauma resolution, and depression, see Claim Your Own Mental Fitness, Part II, chapters 4, 5 & 6.
by wp-admin | Dec 8, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
The previous post described how a worker might assume that a co-worker would see a situation the way he did and might have also believed that his managers would agree with and support him. When these expectations weren’t met he might enter the grief process. We call it empathy when people do understand each other’s point of view and feelings. But it’s a mistake to assume that we or others can do this accurately. It’s important for your Adult/Wise Parent team to know that your human nature is biased against differences. Then you can expect that it will take time and effort to get to know another person, before you assume anything about him. This will prevent a lot of disappointment and grief.
When your Adult can recognize your own biases against others who are different, it has a head start in your relationships. This knowledge alone can help reduce the power of your Toxic Beliefs. You’ve probably seen dogs or cats in fight-or-flight when they encounter an animal they consider different. When humans were evolving, it’s likely that offspring who couldn’t keep up were rarely protected at the expense of the tribe. Different tribes might have often been hostile and dangerous. Perhaps some of these might have been a human sub-species or otherwise look different in ways that were considered threatening. Because of how widespread human antagonism is toward those who seem different, it’s likely it had survival value sometime in our past.
Today we still see in our newspapers that fight-or-flight on a large scale happens between groups with differing religious beliefs, races, ancestors or tribes, customs, accents, gender identities, social status or amounts of wealth. I’ve described how people with different brain wiring must struggle to make their way in the larger society. Fitting in is close to a matter of life or death, to get a job, have a family or relax in your neighborhood. Young gay people and soldiers changed by war trauma often kill themselves because they can’t find a way to join in to our society. Poverty causes other divisions. Some turn their backs on those less fortunate as they struggle to climb the ladder of success, with varying degrees of compassion or guilt. The poor may develop a culture of distrust after too many set-backs overwhelm them.
It can give you peace to have your Adult remain aware of this bias as you cope with others. Anxiety about whether someone accepts or rejects you comes from your Parent’s warning that it’s dangerous not to have their approval. If you’re different from another person in ways they can notice right away, their human bias will probably push them to keep their distance. In that case, your Adult can keep your Parent and Child out of fight-or-flight by reminding them that Belief #1, that you must have the approval of any particular person, is false. When your Adult can keep you open to accepting what the other person offers, it will be more possible for time together and gradual comfort with your differences.
It’s sobering and calming to recognize your own tendency to over-react to others’ differences. You’ll be less likely to embrace Belief #3, that you or others should meet some set of expectations or suffer blame and punishment. Your Adult can’t be alert enough for you to escape entirely this human bias against people who are different. You may be fine with racial differences, but not religious. You may be repulsed by a homeless person or offended when a person expresses a cultural difference. You may be tempted to condemn those who haven’t provided as well for themselves as you have, and shun them to enjoy the company of wealthier people in your gated community.
This bias against those who are in some way different from us is a reality of your human nature that you must avoid denying. You need to grieve it all the way through, and accept it that it exists for both yourself and others. Then you’ll be happiest when you can transform this disturbing trait into a life-long challenge to overcome its influence. Polarized attitudes can lose some of their heat when you can have compassion instead of angry judgment for people who express this bias without realizing it. It’s a benefit of mental fitness to be able to help others discover this about themselves and re-set their relationships. You may have a future in the United Nations!
It’s time for humans to recognize this along with the other ancient wiring of our human nature. We need to live into our present, more evolved potential to solve human problems without automatic leaps into fight-or-flight over the differences between us.
by Rea | Jan 1, 2016 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula
I just know where she’s coming from…
Here’s another example of how being wired differently from others can affect you journey toward mental fitness. Elaine Aron observed that HSPs tend to “take things way too personally.” After working with hundreds of HSP clients (and myself) I can certainly vouch for what she says. Personalizing plagues most HSPs, requiring us to work hard not to jump into fight-or-flight so easily when we interact with others. We may assume that we can quickly and easily walk in another person’s sandals.
Since, according to Aron, about 20% of people have this trait, many of you who are following my blog will benefit from her video, Sensitivity. Aron describes some of the positive aspects of the HSP trait in her discussion, along with the problems we have and emphasizes that the world needs HSP’s compassion and concern for justice. She hopes that her video, Sensitive, will help HSPs overcome enough of our natural anxiety to allow us to endure social stress and contribute what we do have to offer. She hopes this video will help you eighty percenters to understand and support us as we work at this.
As with others whose brains are noticeably atypical, HSPs have to work harder throughout their lives to function well, especially socially. Attention to detail (even perfectionism) and being conscientious are HSP assets as well as liabilities, when our overactive Critical Parents step in with Beliefs #1 and #3. My HSP clients were usually very diligent about learning and using the FORMULA, which helped them engage better socially. I’ve found it helps HSPs to accept that others who seem less conscientious aren’t driven to perform well by anxiety like HSPs are wired to be. They usually aren’t slacking off to take advantage of an HSP or to frustrate her, as personalizing would have some HSPs believe.
You 80% who aren’t HSPs can relate to personalizing, since it’s probably wired into all of us. You may not be able to understand why HSPs get more intense about it and can’t let go of our Toxic Beliefs as easily as many of you can. Imagine how this excess reactivity could make common interactions worse for HSPs. One case might be where the other person’s intent is unclear. For example, your neighbor asks you once again to water her plants, but doesn’t offer to water yours. You take offense, “what am I, chopped liver?” If you assume he’s using you and get hurt or angry, you may be personalizing. You should then revise Belief #1, that you must have another person’s approval or respect, to calm yourself.
Then as soon as possible, it’s best to visit with her, and try to listen well, to learn how things are going with her. After that your Adult can decide whether just to ask for her to water your plants too,or find someone else, rather than letting your Critical Parent blame her(toxic belief #3) for not thinking about you enough. For an HSP, calming the quick fight-or-flight response to feeling disrespected or rejected, and avoiding an instant trip into blaming the other person can be harder.
Since going over to talk about it is fraught with anxiety, most HSPs will have more resistance to doing it. If An HSP does go over, he’ll struggle to set aside his hurt and anger and have trouble remaining open and positive with his neighbor. Later, whether he talks with her or not, an HSP is likely to review the situation many times before he can calm his fight-or-flight reactions. When the HSP doesn’t resolve it with his neighbor, he’s likely to carry anxiety and distrust toward her for a long time.
Another example is when someone is clearly rude, insulting and hostile toward you. Your Child might ask, “why shouldn’t I take that personally, she’s clearly going after me?” Before your Adult agrees to fight-or-flight, there’s a lot to consider. Does this person even know you very well? What possible brain issues does she have that have nothing to do with you (fatigue, being over-whelmed, weak capacity for empathy, alcohol, toxic beliefs)? How much energy do you want to spend in response, and would it make any difference? Once you ask these, your Adult will have the information for a good choice.
For an HSP this process will often be interrupted by an intense and body-involving sense of hurt, anger or fear in response to the person’s rude treatment, which he may assume has been intended to hurt him. His Wise Parent-Adult team needs to suggest why the rude person’s behavior that was directed at him may not have been primarily in response to him. But his Adult may have to work so hard to reduce his fight-or-flight reactions that it never has the chance to prevent him from full-blown embrace of Belief #3.
If you’re not an HSP or you’re an HSP who’s practiced coping better in these situations, chances are, you’ll decide simply to distance yourself without drawing more anger from your attacker, perhaps by saying “I’m sorry you’re so upset” or making an excuse to leave. This choice allows you to avoid fight-or-flight and the body trauma it creates. If you feel you must “set her straight,” your confused Parent-Child combo is probably overwhelming your Adult by personalizing. This choice would be like cutting back in on a driver who cut in front of you, with potentially traumatizing consequences. The Wise Parent phrase somebody has a problem here, but it’s not me could help your Adult stay in charge as it works on practicing the FORMULA to keep you calm.
Future posts will address how trauma contributes to making instant and intense fight-or-flight happen more often for both HSPs and non-HSPs. Research (see Elaine Aron’s hsperson.com website) has shown that HSPs are generally more vulnerable to childhood abuse and war trauma than non-HSPs. Those who have other brain challenges often struggle to keep their Adults in charge as well. If you have any of these it helps to discover just how they may interfere as you pursue mental fitness. Often you can learn work-arounds and help those who value you to relate with more understanding. Claim Your Own Mental Fitness, Part Two, Chapter One offers brief discussion of many of these with references to additional information about them.
