Mental Fitness Formula
18. Be Assertive to Be Mentally Fit

18. Be Assertive to Be Mentally Fit

by | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula

This picture shows that somebody wanted to create a unique statement at the beach. He or she thought about what to sculpt and carefully formed this octopus of damp sand. To make it more visible, the sculptor laid out seaweed to contrast with its arms. Now we can readily see this remarkable design. Social skills like assertiveness also require this kind of focus, caring and creative problem-solving. You just can’t fill a bucket with sand and dump it out. Your Adult needs to set goals, study what they’ll require and then work with your Child and Parent parts to develop and express your new skills.

In the early 1970s when I was in graduate school at the University of Iowa, the Women’s Movement rolled through. I sewed curtains for the new women’s center and then helped develop assertion training groups. These groups began because it was felt that, due to being treated as “less than” men, women lacked the skills and attitudes they needed to succeed in their work and enjoy healthy relationships.

You must be assertive to be mentally fit. Whether you’re a man or woman, you must be assertive to experience the social confidence and self-respect mental fitness brings. If not, others won’t fully open up to you because they can tell you’re not really open with them. Do you make a sarcastic joke at their expense? Do you pretend to be happy with them and then blow up occasionally? Do you vent your hurt and anger to others, thinking your comments won’t get back to the person you were afraid to confront? Do you usually withdraw and avoid real friendship because it’s just too hurtful and disappointing? In Claim Your Own Mental Fitness,  Chapter 1, Part III, Friendship Holds the Keys, I describe in detail how being assertive opens the door for you to enjoy trust and harmony in your relationships.

As the sand sculptor formed the octopus, you can create within you the skills to be assertive. Using the FORMULA, your Adult must tune in to your Child’s anxiety and, with your Wise Parent, convince your Child that it does not need to go into fight-or-flight if another person gets angry or even dumps you. Because early human survival depended on social cooperation, social rejection became a trigger for fight-or-flight. The first time I decided to confront a person I really depended on for friendship (at about age thirty-one), I felt nauseous, my heart raced and my brain felt like spaghetti.

Here’s how I prepared myself. First, I re-read sections of Manuel Smith’s book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, where his students offer dialogue examples of how to talk assertively, not aggressively. I practiced what I could say in several variations of how the conversation might go. Once I had that down, my Adult worked on my toxic beliefs. (#1) No, I don’t need this friend’s approval or even her friendship, I just want it, my body can stay out of it.(#3) This friend is kind and fair-minded, she probably won’t blame or punish me for asking her to respond to my concern. (#9) No, it’s not more comfortable to avoid this conversation and keep getting privately upset with her. Finally, it’s not a black-and-white, either-or thing, that she’ll either be fine with this or reject me totally. Just because I’m uncertain and anxious doesn’t mean I can’t take this non-life-threatening risk to improve our friendship.

It was still very scary for me to gently open the topic I needed to discuss, and my body was still in take-off mode. My friend and I easily came to an understanding and I was launched on my assertive path. Consider the things you already care for thoughtfully: your home, your appearance, your crafts, your family, your career skills. This same kind of attention and persistence will also bring you the assertiveness you need to be mentally fit and the deeply rewarding relationships it makes possible.

21. Compassion and Assertiveness for the Pop-Bead Puppy

21. Compassion and Assertiveness for the Pop-Bead Puppy

by | Dec 9, 2021 | Exploring the Mental Fitness Formula

The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated. (From the Dale Carnegie Course, 1976)

Here’s a new take on compassion and assertiveness! For a stronger Adult, a wiser Wise Parent and a more secure Child, consider the story of “Compassion, Assertiveness and the Pop-Bead Puppy.”

As I sat feeling exhausted in my doctor’s sunny waiting room, an older man holding a string of gold-colored pop-beads came over to me. He said “I want to give you something.” I was touched by his kind, gentle manner and invited him to sit next to me. Before retiring he’d traveled all around Louisiana working for Carpenter Tractors. Gradually he’d discovered that what he loved best to do was “put a smile on a someone’s face.” He said giving tiny pop-bead animals to people was his way to do that and he twisted the golden beads into a puppy for me.

I asked the Bead Man what he did when people got annoyed and treated him like he was trying to do something harmful to them. His face darkened and he said, “That’s bad.” After a moment he added, “but I know He (pointing upward as his face brightened) knows what I’m doing. I shared with him how I’d spent my life trying to find ways to do the same thing. I thanked him and as he left we laughed about how we both “just couldn’t get enough of those wonderful smiles.” This left me to ponder the issue of how humans react to what others offer them.

This gentle man felt really bad when people turned their eyes and hearts away from him as though he were panhandling for loose change. He wanted so much for people to give his gift a chance and could only keep going because he believed that a Higher Power recognized and appreciated him every time. Let’s consider what his motives might have been to perform this unusual behavior. Was he really panhandling for something else that would take from others much more than it gave? We’d call that self-serving and turn away. We could stay open to a friend who did that for a while, but not a stranger. Perhaps we’d fear that if we “gave him an inch, he’d take a mile,” and try to expand the contact into asking, say for a meal or a donation or more listening than we wanted to offer.

The Bead Man told me he just did this to see me smile. Why would he want to do that? He could be one of Elaine Aron’s HSP’s with “sensory processing sensitivity,” whose mirror neurons in their brain get more excited by smiles than the other 80% of the population, so he’d just be sharing what he loves. Chefs, artists, car dealers and most of the rest of us like to do that with others who enjoy the same things. They learn not to take rejection of their gifts as a rejection of themselves and to accept that what they offer may have limited appeal. Finally, he may have found this as a way to somehow transform grief from his life, like the mothers whose children were killed by drunk drivers joined to form MADD, with profoundly rooted zeal and determination to keep fewer children from dying this way.

When someone offers you a gift with an extra urgency that could make you suspicious and turn away, try staying open and allow your Adult to consider thoughtfully where this earnest person is really coming from. Unless there could actually be life-or-death consequences, let your Wise Parent assure your Child that your assertive Adult can set effective limits as needed. Remember that all of us want recognition and appreciation from each other, whatever our styles and the gifts we offer. You may find a kindred spirit along the way to brighten the path of your journey and soothe the pain we all find as we travel.