When I was fourteen I decided to make a mosaic out of the stones I’d collected from the Lake Michigan beach near us. My dad took me to the lumber yard to get Elmer’s Glue and a handy-panel and I began sorting them on the back patio. I drew a rough design and spent hours for several days creating this rambling picture that may somehow capture who I was then.
To this day I use a similar crafting method, but now I can use the FORMULA concepts and Eric Berne’s intuitive approach to help me. Together they allow me to sort out my interior reactions along with my pebbles. I offer this example to illustrate how your Parent-Child dynamic operates in a simple situation before you encounter more complex ones in the following posts.
To make a mosaic my Adult and Child first prepare the materials and decide on the size and shape of the project. Then my Adult directs me to:
- Collect all the stones needed for the design.
- Sort them into piles of similar types and choose which to use.
- Design each section in detail and set the stones, trying different arrangements until the whole picture comes together.
- Keep my Critical Parent from ruining the experience by telling me to worry about other tasks and my Indulgent Parent from letting me craft so long that I neglect those.
- Balance my Child’s needs for fun and rest with the need to work on the project for many hours.
The Mental Fitness FORMULA can help you manage a process like this well. Your Adult plans and designs things with input from your sensing and feeling Child. Your Parent parts express their view, and their beliefs. My Critical Parent may tell me I’m wasting my time (Belief #3, you’re failing to meet a standard you’ve set). In recent years when I saw the amazing mosaics on Pinterest, my Critical Parent suggested that I must equal or surpass their skill or it would be stupid to continue (Belief #2 ). If my Child wants to keep playing when I need to stop and do chores, my Indulgent Parent may take its side. Citing Belief #11, it could suggest that I’m special because I usually work hard and so it’s okay to neglect things to have fun. Kept on the edge of fight-or-flight, my Child can be left confused and conflicted about enjoying the “fun” project. Full disclosure, I don’t make a mosaic very often.
My Adult must balance all three of these inner voices and guide me to take the best course for the short- and long-run. I often feel tension in my gut when I take very long at anything for simple pleasure. The FORMULA only takes me so far in the short run. I’m wired to be more anxious generally, as a person in the group Elaine Aron calls “Highly Sensitive.*” I also inherited a family trait of impulsive intensity that often gets me committed in too many directions.
My toxic experience as a child instilled a drive to help others not endure what my family had to suffer. My Adult has consistently chosen to support a Critical Parent that will keep me on track for this. I always know I could choose differently, but my purpose-driven life in the long-run brings me joy and satisfaction. We all differ in what tempts our Child to push us too far at times or sometimes leaves our Child neglected. The discipline of Mental Fitness can help you manage and benefit from whatever inheritance and formative experience you bring to your life.
When I keep the FORMULA in mind, my Adult helps me stay more relaxed and healthy in simple, low-stress situations like crafting a mosaic. Consistent practice has prepared me to engage effectively and more comfortably in more demanding and potentially triggering situations. The process remains the same, but following my purpose, the triggers involve the Critical and Indulgent Parents of others which can drag in my own. For example, my Child gets upset when someone is unfair to me or anyone else and prods me to say or do something. My two Parents often disagree about the best response. Through all this my Adult must quickly guide me to respond to others with consideration for what their Parent and Child reactions might be.
Your Adult has to be skilled and quick to deal with your inner world or it won’t navigate others’ behavior well. Like driving a car in fast, heavy traffic, you need the smoothly functioning automatic reactions that only occur when you’ve gotten lots of practice on easier roads first. Gradually your skills will grow and you’ll find that you actually enjoy the challenge of more complex situations, once you trust that you can handle them well.
*Elaine Aron, hsperson.com