In this picture Dixie is unhappy because of her bow, but okay because she’s gotten lots of treats for her trouble! A well-cared-for pet is playful, trusting and open to love. So also our own inner Child can enjoy these feelings when our Parent and Adult work well together. As I mentioned, the Parent holds the rules and beliefs you’ve learned as you’ve gone through your life. These can be conflicting and confusing for your Child. Let’s look at the first Toxic Belief, that you must have the approval of certain or many others to feel comfortable with yourself. This belief can be especially burdensome during the holidays, when you may come together with family or friends. We all have memories and expectations, good and bad, from our own experiences of holidays past.
Your Adult can make things easier for you, if it takes time to study your own memories and expectations. Once identified, they can be re-evaluated. If you find your Child dreading some parts of the holidays, your Adult can ask, why am I doing this every year? Then your Parent will provide the answer: because you owe it to your parents, and you must have their approval to enjoy the holidays; because your kids expect it; because the neighbors will talk; because you don’t want to make everyone angry or disappointed. With the first Toxic Belief, you feel like you’re a bad person (or bad Child) if you don’t have their approval.
“Well,” your Adult reasons, “there’s some merit in these concerns. I don’t want to be selfish and hurt my parents or kids by letting them down. My Child will feel guilty forever if I don’t come through.” This dilemma illustrates the input of two consistently different Parent parts. Your Indulgent Parent encourages you to put yourself first and ignore others’ input and needs, which gives you temporary relief. About half the toxic beliefs come from that Parent. The other six beliefs come from your Critical Parent, who tells you to distrust yourself and follow other people’s rules. This leads you to feel anxious about others’ judgment and approval. Their input can keep you on an emotional seesaw where your Child just can’t win.
When your Adult identifies a Toxic Belief, it has the opportunity to push for a more balanced view. In this case of holiday turmoil, it can suggest that you might discuss your needs and feelings with the other people to see if a different plan might also work for them. Everyone wins if they say, “Oh, thank goodness, I didn’t want to keep making a six-course dinner for thirty again this year either!” Identifying the belief allows your Adult to keep you from assuming what others want, a good reality check.
A bigger test happens when others are unwilling to consider your needs and feelings. Then your Adult must work with your Parent parts to make a plan that you believe is fair to both you and the others. They may still disapprove, but you won’t suffer so much. Your Adult can revise the first Toxic Belief like this: “I don’t need the approval of others; I need to balance their needs and mine to find the best solutions. Only I can finally make these evaluations for me, as an expression of my beliefs.” My teenage Child (who still wants others’ approval) will often add, “Perhaps their Indulgent or Critical Parents need some adjustment!” This process gradually builds for you a Wise Parent which replaces many of your Critical and Indulgent Parent messages. The Wise Parent holds your revised beliefs, which keep your Child more comfortable and happy.
Here’s a poem I wrote several years ago about my new plan for Christmas. It illustrates the input of my newly wiser Parent and the friskiness of my Adolescent/Child as a result. Most family and friends were fine with this, and the others just got over it. I did make a few exceptions for some who needed these to feel loved. Wisdom involves compromise.
Fake Fir
Always the scent of pine pitch
In the chill night air, crushed out
Of the carpet of needles lavishly strewn
Over the corner tree lot.
Always the hunt for the quintessential
Tree-of-the year, just so tall,
Just so irregular, just so fluffy.
Often in the rain, always in the dark.
Rebellion crept in slowly over the years,
First, with fewer gifts mailed out,
Then no more German Honey Bars,
And last, the ultimate sacrilege.
There it was on sale at McLendon’s:
Frankly artificial and just the right size.
Up a week earlier and not so prickly,
With hardly a needle to sweep.
No trunk to cut or water to spill
Or worry about how dry it was,
Lights and angels, toys and bells
Sparkled serenely unaware.
Now Christmas is more of spirit,
Of ancient carols heard with thoughtful ear,
Of Amahl and the Night Visitors,
And homemade frosted butter cookies.
No rush to finish before the tree dies.
Time to write and talk to friends,
To savor the season of celebration
And rejoice in the new birth of Love.
Who knows what contumacy is next?
Wrapping paper thrice recycled?
Ready-made pie crust and frozen hors d’oeuvres?
A cuddly, cream-colored fake fur?
12/04 Rea Anne Scovill